The Kallah Whisperer on the International Weddings Know How radio show!

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Walking Down the Aisle (the the Chuppah) at a Jewish Wedding

When a wedding is depicted in a Hollywood movie, it always seems as if the groom just kind of appears from some secret side door and stands in front of a priest or some kind of officiate.   The bride floats down an aisle, flanked on either side by rows of guests seated on benches or chairs, on the arm of her father; following a procession of some 15 bridesmaids in identical, horrific dresses.

Bizarrely, the mother of the bride is always shown sitting by herself on one side of the aisle, with tears of happiness streaming down her face.  In contrast, the groom’s parents are left to their own devices on the other side of the aisle.

The guests, as I understand, are seated according to their connection to the happy couple: either on “the groom’s side” or “the bride’s side” of the aisle.  This is NOT how a Jewish wedding is organized and weddings in Israel are even less similar.

In this article, I want to discuss how the bride and groom walk down the aisle at an Orthodox Jewish wedding.  Other parts of a Jewish wedding ceremony will be discussed in future articles.

Firstly and by definition, a Jewish wedding is a communal event.  The wedding is designed this way so that the marriage, and consequently the unavailability of the bride and groom to anyone else, become immediate public knowledge.

Why do we accompany the bride and groom to the Chuppah?

The tradition of accompanying the bride and the groom to the Chuppah is based on variety of social and religious customs, viewpoints and attitudes.  However, there seems to be a common basis or way of thinking that connects all these traditions and they include:

(1)        It is said that Ha’shem accompanied Chava down to the Chuppah, when she married Adam.  From this belief grew the idea of accompanying the bride and groom to their Chuppah.

and 

(2)        Just as a king and queen are always surrounded by an entourage as a symbol of their importance, so the bride and groom, who are considered as a king and queen on their wedding day, must be surrounded and accompanied by an entourage. This entourage includes the perspective parents of the bride and groom, their closest relatives and friends.

Before the creation of Wedding Halls, weddings took place in the village’s or city’s open court yard or any area that could hold a large gathering.  The entire community of that village or city would join together and accompany the bride and groom down to the Chuppah. 

At the head of these processions would be the parents of the bride and of the groom.  Either each set of parents accompanied their own child or the mothers accompanied the bride and the fathers accompanied the groom.   Orphans would many times be accompanied to their Chuppah by prominent members of the community to help illustrate the importance of the mitzvot of Hachnasat Kallah and Mesa'meach Chatan V’Kallah.  

There is no ‘right way’ to accompany the bride and groom.  Each family has its own custom. 

In weddings held outside of Israel, all the guests are usually seated on either side of an aisle leading up to the Chuppah either wherever they wish or one side of the aisle is reserved for women, while the other side of the aisle is reserved for men.  Usually the first row or two of seats, closest to the Chuppah, are reserved for older guests, so they can see the ceremony more easily. 

Grandparents and great grandparents usually stand under the Chuppah with the rest of the family, but they can also be seated in those front rows.  In general, in Israel, there are only two or three rows of chairs (at most), reserved for people who will find standing during the Chuppah ceremony too much of a burden.  Everyone else stands around the Chuppah during the entire ceremony, thus the idea of an “aisle” disappears as soon as the bride and groom are standing under the Chuppah.

The idea of a Jewish wedding procession has no true basis in Jewish tradition.  The idea of bridesmaids and flower girls has been adopted into some Jewish weddings in one form or other, but it does not have the importance or significance it has in gentile weddings.

Who accompanies the bride and groom?

ONLY the bride and groom and their procession to the Chuppah are important. The procession begins with the groom, as he is lead down the aisle either by his parents or both fathers and his closest friends and male relatives.  Once he and, usually, those who walked down with him are standing under the Chuppah, it’s the bride’s turn.  She may walk down the aisle, flanked by either her parents or both mothers and by close friends.  As she is lead down to the Chuppah, she may also recite prayers for people in need.

Candles
Many Ashkenazi families have the minhag of the parents or mothers/fathers accompanying the bride and groom to the Chuppah to hold specially designed glass holders with lit candles in their hands. Sometimes they hold simple long havdala candles with a “handle” of tin foil to prevent hot wax from dripping on their hands.

  

Procession of bride with the mothers and friends

I have heard and read many reasons for this minhag; from lighting the way to the Chuppah to the gematria for the Hebrew word "aish" (fire) and the Hebrew words for "man" and "woman" and so on.  My feeling is that since nearly all weddings took place outside and in the evening, candles were needed to light the way for everyone.  As time went on and weddings began to take place indoors, the idea of 'lighting the way' for the Chatan and Kallah was preserved as part of the larger ceremony.

Under the Chuppah

Depending on the size of the actual Chuppah, the people that will stand under the Chuppah, in addition to the bride and the groom and the Rabbi, are the parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents and many times close friends. The witnesses and other honoraries usually stand to the side of the Chuppah, but that is the topic of future articles.

Once everyone is standing under the Chuppah, the wedding ceremonies formally begin.  I will discuss these ceremonies and rituals in future articles.

Do you have questions about a Jewish wedding, its customs, traditions and practices?  Please feel free to contact me today!

WEDDINGS, MUSIC AND TISHA B’AV

With Tisha B’Av this evening and thoughts of the destruction of both Ba’Tei Ha’Mikdash, I somehow always think about the minhag of not playing music at Yerushalmi weddings.  I had always assumed that this was a longstanding minhag dating back directly to the time of the destruction. 

But as I did my research for this article I found out that this was not necessarily the case. It seems that Harav Meir Aeurbach zt”l decreed that no music be played at Yerushalmi weddings about 140 years ago, either due to an epidemic that broke out at that time or, as I had assumed, a sign of mourning for the destruction of the Ba’Tei Ha’Mikdash. 

I learned that this is a ‘strictly’ Ashkenazi minhag and that in most accounts, drums are allowed to be played at weddings, as drums are not halachikly considered musical instruments. Therefore weddings could be celebrated with the accompaniment of people singing and of the beating of drums.

It is interesting that playing music was prohibited immediately after the destruction; but that as music was and is recognized as a vital element to a Jewish wedding and to the very heart of the mitzvah of Mi’sameach Chatan V’Kallah as time went on, music re-entered Jewish wedding ceremonies.  It appears that as the centuries passed, music was played at Jewish weddings outside of Israel, then this practise travelled “back” to Israel, first to cities outside of Jerusalem and then to The City itself. 

Throughout the centuries music at Yerushalmi weddings was alternatingly permitted and then prohibited by our Rabbis for a variety of reasons, one of which of course was the destruction of the Ba’Tei Ha’Mikdash.  From what is understood, around the time of Ha’Rav Aeurbach’s proclamation, there was an outbreak of a terrible plague in Jerusalem that decimated thousands and this prohibition came in response to this tragedy.

I have also heard of and attended weddings where music is played throughout the weddings exceptduring the procession to the chuppah and the chuppah itself.  At this time, the bride and groom are accompanied down to the chuppah by the singing of the guests.  I have to say that many times this is a much more poignant and personal scene, as everyone truly takes part in the mitzvah of Misameach Chatan V’Kallah.

May we all be Zoche to see the Beit Hamikdash rebuilt in our times.

The seventh of the Sheva Brachot:

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Bridal Makeup Touch-up Bag

If you are not lucky enough to have your makeup artist at your beck and call for your bridal makeup touch-ups at your wedding venue, then you need to create your own touch-up makeup bag and emergency kit. 

This bag can be a GREAT PRESENT to the bride-to-be from a bridesmaid, mother of the bride or groom or a close friend.  Whether the bride or someone else creates this bag, make sure someone (other than the bride) is made responsible for carrying and using the bag as necessary.

I will list exactly what should be included in the bag, but there are some general rules you should keep in mind when creating this bag:

·        You need to balance the needs of the bride with the size, bulk and weight of the bag.  You may be tempted to create two smaller bags – big mistake – now you have two items to forget!

·        Small sample sizes of products are perfect for this bag, as they are usually cheap and sometimes free. Tell your favourite makeup store that you or a friend is getting married, they may be willing to give you some great sample items.

·        All the products should be kept in an inexpensive, zippered bag – no larger than absolutelynecessary.

·        When adding products keep in mind that each item should be useful and inexpensive and that the bag and its contents can be left at the venue, forgotten or given away without any guilt at the end of the evening.

Bridal Makeup Touch-up bag contents:

(1)      Straws: These lovelies help keep the bride hydrated (if she is not fasting), without ruining her lipstick and makeup or for that matter, help protect the bridal gown from spills.

(2)      Stain removal wipes: Remember to always blot, never rub a stain!

(3)      Regular wet wipes: The alcohol-free variety, this way, if they are used on the face or hands, they be less likely to dry out the skin.  Remember to always blotsweat, dirt, tears, stains or makeup; never rub!  A small pack will do!

(4)      White tissues: Remember to always blot sweat, dirt, tears, stains or makeup; never rub!  A small pack will do!

(5)      Cotton swabs: You should pack them in a separate small plastic baggie packed inside the touch-up bag, to ensure they stay clean.

(6)      Powder puff: The powder puff can be used in two capacities: to take down shine from your face (shoulders, etc.) and to gentlyretouch makeup.  Remember to always blotsweat, dirt, tears, stains, or makeup; never rub!

To understand this fully, please read the following table:

What?	What use?	How to use it?
Plain, clean powder puff	Blot out any oily/sweaty areas of the skin	Pack the puff in a separate small plastic baggie, inside your touch-up bag.
Powder puff with white baby powder  **	Blot out any oily/sweaty areas of the skin and fix base makeup smears	Dip powder puff in baby powder and then carefully place in separate small plastic baggie.  Some baby powder will stick to the puff and some will seep into the baggie. When you want to use the puff, re-dip it into the baggie and then gently shake off excess powder into the baggie and then carefully blot any offending areas on the face. In small amounts, white baby powder can be used on dark, as well as light skin tones, as the powder will be absorbed into the skin.
Powder puff with powder makeup (a bit lighter than the makeup color used).	Blot out any oily/sweaty areas of the skin and fix base makeup smears	Dip powder puff into the powder makeup and then carefully place in separate small plastic baggie.  Some powder makeup will stick to the puff and some will seep into the baggie. When you want to use the puff, re-dip it into the baggie and then gently shake off excess powder into the baggie and then carefully blot any offending areas on the face. Be very careful using makeup powder, as it can dirty the wedding gown and any dress, blouse, veil in close proximity.  Makeup stains are very hard to clean!

I believe that white baby powder is the safer, and therefore better option, given that any powder that may accidently fall on the gown will be invisible.

** An alternative is to pack a small bottle of baby powder and a separate powder puff and apply powder carefully and directly to the puff.

(7)      Lip gloss: I recommend packing a colorless gloss, as it is safer for the bride’s gown and for those around her.  Also you must consider the fact that if you reapply lipstick, it may get wiped on the dress, sleeve, and worse, the color may bleed into the skin surrounding the lip and make a very unappealing picture

(8)      Inexpensive, light scented eau de cologne: This is a great item to pack and is a good freshener and mood lifter.  But remember the rule, the eau de cologne bottle must be small and light to carry and inexpensive.

Just a spritz or two on the wrists and behind the ears can be wonderful and refreshing after a long, hot pre-chuppah photo shoot, just before the chuppah and after yechud.

Be careful not to spritz near eyes, directly on gown or even in the hair (although I do this sometimes).

(9)      Blush: I am including blush in this list, as a veryoptional item that is important only if the bride is naturally very pale.  You can buy a very cheap, small container of blush or eye shadow in a shade close to the original blush shade used.  If you are not sure what color will be used go for a light pinky/bronzy shade.  In addition, buy a cheap blush brush.  The key here is small and cheap.

Be careful opening the container near the bride, as well as when applying the blush.  An unsure, nervous hand - yours or the bride's -can create clown cheeks that will look worse in a picture than no blush - believe me!  Place napkins or tissues around the top of the bride’s gown before applying any color!  Once again if you include blush, place it first in a small plastic baggie.

(10)  Safety pins

(11)  Sewing kit: While everyone’s first thought would be to include one of those handy small sewing kits; all that you really need is a few already-threaded needles; two or three threaded with white thread and one threaded with black thread.  You can stick the pre-threaded needles into spools of thread and pack them in your kit.

(12)  Small nail scissors: Great for cutting loose threads from gowns, shirts, etc.  Never pull threads!!!!!

(13)  Double-back tape: Great to instantly fix tears WITHOUT sewing. (Not in photograph)

(14)  Panty liners

(15)  Nail file: A jagged nail can play havoc on a gown!

(16)  Few extra bobby pins: Just in case you want to pin back a few strands of way-ward hair for your hairstyle.

(17)  Band-Aids

The Flower Dilema - a new Kitty and the Kallah-2-B cartoon.

Get that Spot Out! Wedding Gown First Aide!

One of the most disregarded, and perhaps overlooked, issues in the very long TO-DO list of wedding planning is the issue of wedding gown cleanliness.   For some reason the idea of keeping the wedding gown clean throughout the wedding and the possibility of having to deal with potential stains and dirt that may “attack” the wedding gown is never planned for or discussed before the wedding. 

The topic only comes up when the wedding gown becomes stained and then there are tears and hysteria and copious glasses of water and seltzer, napkins and tissues and advice and suggestions proffered by every well-meaning wedding guest in the Hall.  I want to change this!  Let’s talk about wedding gown first aide.  I want you to be prepared for wedding gown emergencies before they happen.

Let me set the stage: a lone bride, dressed head-to-toe in pristine white, is positioned in a setting where hundreds of people are roaming about elbow-to-elbow; where food and drink abound; where fresh makeup, lipstick, red wine and tears flow unreservedly and where the mother lode of all kissing fests resides. Don't get me started on outside chuppahs and the associated winter rain and mud or summer sand and dust.  I don’t even want to discuss “special location” photography in wonderful “out of the way” locations requiring brides to climb trees, straddle fences, walk on lonely stretches of beach where the ocean meets the sand, sit on rusty swings and walk through streets so ancient they can only be found on maps  illustrated with dragons and sea monsters.

It's really not a matter of if but really when the gown will get stained.  If the gown becomes stained after the ‘just-before the chuppah to just-after the chuppah’ stages, say during the meal, then the damage is less significant.  But if the stain appears early in the pre-chuppah stage, well it is a disaster of biblical proportions.

Whether you bought, rented or borrowed your wedding gown, you want to enjoy it thoroughly throughout the wedding and then return it or save it in the mint condition you found it in.  How can that be accomplished?  Well like everything else, knowledge and preparation are the keys to successfully dealing with the situation. 

So let’s start at the beginning.  Ask what fabrics were used in the construction of the gown. Many gowns are constructed of multi-layers of fabrics that give the gown the flow, stiffness, shine, shimmer or fullness the look requires.  Each of these layers may contain different fabrics, including satin, net, lace, taffeta, silk, polyester, Lycra and others.  Make sure you do not overlook the lining(s)of the gown, as these fabrics may react differently to stains and cleaners than the upper layers.  You must also think about plastic or metal stays and bones that are a staple in the bodices of most wedding gowns on the market today.

Begin by talking to the salon where you bought or rented the gown and/or the seamstress who sewed the gown.  Ask what fabric(s) the gown was made with and/or look at the label(s) to see a list of fabrics.  If this is a designer gown that does not have a fabric label, contact the designer.  

Ask the salon/seamstress/designer what is the best method to treat/handle/clean the following typicalwedding disasters:

• lipstick
• makeup
• wine
• food
• mud
• food dressings and sauces
• blood
• water or other liquid spills

If you feel that you are not getting the kind of information you need, then my best recommendation is to take the gown (as soon as you can BEFORE the wedding) to a professional dry cleaner who has experience dry cleaning and treating wedding gowns.  Ask him for the best methods for treating and handling the above mentioned stains.  He may even have an easy-to-carry stain-removal product you can purchase and take with you to the Hall.

Tried and True Treating and Cleaning Methods

Having said all the above, I would like to provide you with some tried and true treating and cleaning methods you may be able to use.  Remember these are only suggestions, please talk to an expert about the needs of your specific wedding gown!

1. Before trying any product (yes, even plain water!) on your dress, put a little of the product on an out-of-the-way area or seam of the gown and check that it does not discolour or ruin the fabric color or appearance before you put it directly on a stain.
2. Always gently blot, never rub a stain.  Blotting can soak up a stain and/or prevent it from spreading.  Rubbing can cause the stain to further set in the fabric.
3. Always blot with a white towel or cloth.
4. Blot the stain from the edges working your way towards the middle of the stain.
5. Never use heat from any source to dry a stained area – even a water stain -  as once again it may cause the stain to further set in the fabric or cause an even larger and more visible stain on the fabric.
6. Water is NOT a “can’t do any harm” substance.  Water can ruin silk, as easily as wine.
7. Think of silk, taffeta and satin like you do of fire and lightening. They are beautiful and shiny, but they should not be touched! (Translation for the innocent: don’t mess with these fabrics unless you are an expert!)
8. If in doubt: leave it ALONE!  Photographers have been retouching photographs for, well, since photography began.  Every photograph can be retouched and made beautiful.
9. The usual wedding-related stains can usually be hand-washed out of polyester gowns and linings with water (and perhaps a bit of hand soap). 
10. In general water-based stains should be washed out with water and not with dry-cleaning solvents.
11. Blood and wine should be blotted out with tepid/warm water and a white cloth.
12. On an oily stain, made by salad dressing or sauce, you can try a sprinkle of baby powder and then blot the stain with a white cloth.
13. Baby powder can help mask a resistant stain, but let’s be honest, how long will the powder ‘stick’ to the dress?  
14. I read somewhere that you can prevent a stain from spreading by blotting the stain with a piece of the same fabric.  (Let’s say, if you have a shawl of the same fabric as the gown, you can use the shawl to blot the gown.  I have never tried this, but it may be worth considering.)
15. Lipstick and makeup can be removed with the stain-removal wet wipes available on the market today.  Long-lasting lipsticks (the kind we love to use for weddings) may be much harder to remove from a gown.
16. I am not telling you about (possible) stain removing products and treatments such as white vinegar or chalk or rubbing alcohol or soap or dish detergent, because you do not need to pack, carry and worry about these products.  Nor do you have the time to deal with them and they can do more damage than good!

I think you know that rarely (unless the stain is large and in the front bodice of the gown) does anyone but the bride, her mother and a very busy-bodied eagle-eyed aunt notice stains on the gown.  If your stain is on the train or bottom of the gown or any other barely noticeable area: let it go.  Reason number one: no one notices or cares.  Reason number two: you have better and more important things to deal with (hint: new husband). Reason number three: this is why they invented Photoshop, dear.

Armed with all the above information, it’s time for you to create your own take-along-to-the Hall wedding gown first aide kit with the following products.  If you have a wedding planner, she should have a bag of her own.  If not, delegate this bag and stain-removal duty to a trusted friend. While you are at it, don’t forget to print out a copy of my What Take to the Hall list and follow the instructions for all your bridal needs!  

Wedding Gown First Aide Kit

·         Small white towel or cloth

·         Baby powder (white!)

·         Q-tips

·         Stain-removal wet wipes

BFEORE YOU TAKE THE GOWN HOME OR WEAR IT TO THE HALL

With all my “let’s start at the beginning” guidelines, there is one more important issue I would like to discuss.  When you pick up you gown at the salon, dressmaker, designer, friend or Gemach – examine the gown thoroughly beforeyou take possession of it. 

·         Check for stains on any part of the layers of the gown

·         Check the underarm areas for discolorations

·         Check for stains on any part of the lining of the gown

·         Check that the zipper works – zipping up and down (I am not kidding you, a zipper may go UP – but it may not go DOWN again)

·         Check that the buttons and button holes match up and fit

·         Check that all the seams are closed and well sewn

·         Check that there are no tears ANYWHERE on the gown

·         If you find a problem – state it immediately and clearly and document it (everyone has a cell phone with a camera these days!)

Last piece of advice: SMILE!